Cycle #1 I am happy though

In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are. And in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them we wouldn't be the person we are. So just live. Make mistakes. Have wonderful memories. But never ever second guess who you are, where you've been, and most importantly, where it is you're going.

Honestly this past week I have been fowl fowl FOWL. Jumping at everyone's throats and breaking everything. I have yet to come up with a reason. But I have just not been normal. Maybe it's the fact that I graduate in 3 and a half months, or maybe its that fact of learning to avoid boys in high school. That lesson however I have obviously not learned. Yet, I do not regret anything. It is called learning. All these experiences, teaching me what to avoid and what to cling to. The Lord has a plan for me. Whether I am sticking to that plan now or straying, I am not positive. But what is happening is going in a direction that I know to be right. I GUESS something I realized THIS WEEK, is that after a mighty relationship, of any kind, that is broken; Being "Just friends" is probably the most difficult part, and is very restricting. Meaning, it's almost not possible. Just hear me out. Ok, how many times have you stayed friends or tried to be friends after being with someone. Seriously, it's going to be hard enough breaking it off, but then seeing them? Is there a channel in the brain that deletes every memory with that person? So when there is contact the thought in my head is "Oh this isn't awkward at ALL! I am just SO happy that we can still be FRIENDS. And not think about our super fabulous past at all THAT HAD TO BE BROKEN. I just have to SMILE!" I do smile a lot. I also pretend a lot. And I know for an absolute fact that no one's brain works like that. There may be some lucky people out there that just find a way to never think about it. But when affection is involved, "Just Friends" is basically the monster who pushed Jack down the hill which Jill then came tumbling after. The monster saying things can still be the same. The lying monster. Because the answer is No. That relationship. Whatever it was that we have...had, Has ruined some things. I wish for being friends to be easier. But at this point I am thinking the easier option is deleting that person out of my life. For a time. Because this whole friendship thing, won't work. Can't. Will never be the same.

But, I AM grateful for a few things.

*I am going to college. Winter/Spring Track at BYU-Idaho. I am looking forward so very much. There is a possibility that I will be going down to Rexburg for the summer and fall as well to work. Just so I can change things up. I will be 18 and want to move. My aunt and uncle live there and that is where I'd like to be.
*Learning guitar is very calming. I love the feel and I love to sing. I have found myself singing way more than before and this gives me something more to do with my life.
*Avery will be home in 5 months :) Yes that deserves a smiley face.
*SARAH REX is the greatest inspiration/best friend/long-distant Cousin in the WORLD.
*I really do enjoy my speech class. Mr. Porter, my favorite teacher/my dads great friend, is wonderful. The class is definitely building my confidence and I am glad that it is him. We actually compose a speech mostly every week, but work on them at home. So the rest of the days we do improve, and they are the most fun.
*My dad is making indian food for dinner, so my house smells like heaven. I am a lucky girl.

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone completely wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at stupid jokes. Cry. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell a jerk what you think. Laugh til your stomach hurts. LIve LIFE. Regret nothing.

Yes, I am tall. No, I do not play Basketball

Tall Girls Problems. AKA: Story of my Life

#16. When you see people you haven't seen in a while and their like "stop growing".

#17. Having to slow down when walking with your friends because one of your strides is three of theirs.

#21. You can't stand under an umbrella with your friends.

#62. Unable to cross your legs when sitting under a desk.

#63. You can't dry your clothes because they'll shorten.

#84. No I am not playing footsy with you, my feet don't fit under the table.

#90. When meeting someone: "Wow you're so tall".."Really? I had no idea. Thanks for letting me know"

#107. Being asked to fetch things from high shelves that others can't reach.

#120. Friend says, "These pants are way too long for me, I know they'll fit you." Nope, not even close.

#124. When "Long" sized jeans still don't cut it.

#132. When you hug a guy taller than you and never want to let go. It's a sweet rare occasion.

#139. The impossiblity of finding a cute one peice swimsuit that fits.

#140. Automatically falling in Love with every guy that is taller than you.

#163. Being tall enough to see over dressing room stalls.

However, I have promised my self. I will not tie the knot with a man shorter than me. In fact I am setting standards high. He will be taller-enough-than-me so I can rock my heels. Boom. That is that. I don't feel like telling you anything important tonight.